Ok,so I've decided to try n keep a diary of my determination to keep me on the right track.
32 days ago I started a campaign till the 31st of December about my family and my career and really getting over all the damage that was done by the evil X, becoming a confident young woman once more.
My determinations were:
for my district-I will change whatever I have to change to be able to give to my district. I will be the best woman in my district.To inspire everyone there and revitalise it with my energy and as a result my career will flourish.
For my career-Thank you gohonzon for my great life.I truly believe in the power of my chanting,I truly believe in the power of NMRK.Today I will live as a disciple of Sensei.I also have to really praise and develop within my life.
For my family-I had to chant to really see my boyfriends greatness.Everything I do is to treasure my family and the hardest one of all for me.DON'T DO ANYTHING DRAMATIC TILL THE 31st DEC!!!
40 MINS CONVINCED...NO BEGGING!
On the day prior to the course where I received guidance my band broke up and I had to leave my job.Two weeks after the course I reached an impasse with my brother who's schizophrenic.I'm afraid I find it very hard to treasure his life.Three weeks after the course my relationship with my boyfriend irretrievably fizzled out.
So the buddhahood in these situations. I'm writing my first album where I'm artistic director of my own work.Something that takes a lot of concentration.The band had a completely different sound from the music I make and was an unnecessary influence.Sometimes I felt like a square peg in a round hole.
My brother and I have had a difficult relationship for many years and I never felt the need to really chant about it.I always felt ours was a pointless exercise. It was the pain in my happy family but I didn't want to see it. Now I feel more determined to chant about it.
My lovely boyfriend? Well I guess we kept each other safe and warm but there comes a time where you don't care for being safe. You have to break out of the cocoon and become the butterfly. I feel a bit shaky still on that but in comparison to the breakups I have had this is the first where no plates were smashed, no blood and guts. no drama, just a grown up breakup. I will be his friend I know when the initial pain dies down and I can trust my reactions. I have truly changed something fundamental in my life.
But yeah, all this strong diamoku is killing off huge parts of my life and I know it's necessary for my growth but I'm starting to get a little scared.It's cool,moon rising over the capital n all that.
Today was a down day. The first of 32 but I was so protected! My little sis said she wanted to stay at my house so she gave me the kick up the bum I needed to get chanting again.
After I chanted I remembered I was at the planning meeting and I have to give an experience at the discussion meeting.True believer V's the Sceptic,funny enough.So anyway I've decided to have a big victory of some kind for fri 26th of September.I get what's going on and I'm going to be unstoppable in the face of adversity.
anyway it's way late and I have to sleep if I'm going to face tomorrow better than today.