I lay awake last night in the conservatory with the light of the moon saturating me with its glow. I had to take my Mum and Dad to their flight at 4am. I literally lay with my eyes wide open, thinking, contemplating about life. All the drama of recent days. How much was my fault, why didn't this person behave in a way I felt was necessary to my life, blablabla!
I even chanted to go to sleep nothing helped though. I was so haunted. When 4am came and my Dad came in, I was wide awake. I took the long drive to Preswick Airport way out on the west coast. It was lovely to be with my parents though. I felt so happy. My dad in the backseat, doing a great job at backseat driving and telling awful Dad jokes, my Mum this calm ocean. She knows when I'm sad and just being near her made me feel safe.They were both so excited to be going on holiday. I was so happy for both of them. They really deserve a rest. After I dropped them I headed straight to the beach.
At 5.30am Troon Beach is one of the darkest places to be in britain and here was me driving right into the dark....for a change.) I sang and chanted on the sands, dark with seaweed and high rolling with waves and salt. It was a perfect half moon that stared down at me from the black sky. I know that it's there I feel my wildest. In the dark all your senses come alive! I tune through my fear to my surroundings and I can be that force of nature for a while. Nobody's watching.
I headed back home, brain still buzzing and passed out finally on the sofa bed, telly on, until my son woke me up by climbing under the covers to get his morning cuddle. Talk about a reason to live life the very best you can!
I spent my day with my sister. We're watching the house while they're away. We were supposed to go see a movie but it wasn't on even though it was listed. We decided to take Kai to Pollok Estate where we used to knock about as kids.
For those who don't know it Pollok Estate is Glasgows equivalent of the hundred acre wood, full of twists and turns. On our way through the park we got lost. Unusual for me. I truly thought I knew that place like the back of my hand. The land opened up to show us what lay beneath. Being children again, right there where we grew up, we found new hidden tunnels and short cuts. Flowing like water, coming to dead ends then find places to climb over to take us into new parts of the park.
I really got talking to my sister. First time in a long time. I dont think I've laughed so much in ages. My baby sister's really cool.)
We go for a coffee and guess who's there? Remember the friend from yesterday? I ran right into her. We had another great chat and then again when I left the park and met her in the supermarket! Weird synchy day. I wonder why we keep running into each other. I won't state the obvious but I think we definately have something to teach each other now. I love myoho!
So yeah! Today I really and truly treasured my family. When I chant now I don't feel so much distance from the altar. What I feel is an awestruck respect for MY Buddhahood. It's my space to take care of my life and keep it beautiful.
Also chanting cause there's a discussion going on that no one's really got involved in on the site. 'Are you a buddha really?' I'm really challenging this. It feels really good too. The conclusion I have come to is quite simply put by one of the other members..when I utilise the law my life is Buddha. There will always be the battle with the negative but my life is Buddha and I am protected.