Damn, damn damn! I know I'm not supposed to swear, much less be angry with myself, but I am.
Tonight I was appointed assistant-chapter leader. As we counted the amount of YW in our chapter, and I recalled all the effort one of our YM has to put singlehandedly in youth meetings, disappointment rose in me and later was given full vent as a great anger. Damn, damn damn! Despite all the painstaking care of our YWleader the harvest is so meager and the territory is so virgin and wide. Damn. What is the matter with me? Am I so stuck in my little ways of thinking, the stupid little ways that women can entertain themselves with? How about the big picture? how about the Buddha's passion to save the world? Courage and passion! Sensei said.
What I need is great territory to hold sway in. My anger is directed at the slowness of everything, at the rocky unhappy obstacles and bumps. Come on guys! You want to move too.
Just today I got into whole harmony and balance, but now I could cry with frustration. So much effort! How much went to waste because of self-doubt and stupid fears? Aren't there people out there who need saving, who deserve to be happy, who need communication? What kind of bodhisattva am I, after having studied war and its atrocities for fourteen years? What vows can I make to fulfill my mission: the Buddha's command? How can I be utterly, passionately, immediately EFFECTIVE??!!
Aren't we wider than this? So much power has been given to us. So many wondrous miraculous talents we have, 90% of our brains are left unused! Aren't we creators of our own worlds? Why do we move so slowly?