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Hello Fellow Members,
I've been practicing for 23 years, with a 7 year intermission after my first 7 years - so 16 years this second time around.
After facing the reality that I've been escaping into alcohol for much longer than I had understood, I've been chanting to understand and overcome my desire to escape.
To my surprise - while chanting today I realized that deep down I wish that I wasn't alive - and I realized that this feeling is my core fundamental darkness.
I traced the feeling back to my childhood, even though I hadn't been aware that it's been with me all this time. I'd thought I'd already 'outgrown' and overcome feeling this way through efforts I'd made over the years, and if you watch my short story 'Poison into Medicine' (link below) that I told in 2013 - you might be as surprised as me to discover I feel this way...
Now that I recognize my core fundamental darkness, I'm determined to use my practice to transform this negativity (and I've started going to AA for help overcoming alcohol-escape - and it's my 4th day sober).
I'm hoping to connect with other members who have faced and overcome this kind of fundamental darkness - or who are facing it now themselves.
All guidance and encouragement is appreciated. Please also do not be concerned that I'm at risk of harming myself. I just recognize that this particular feeling is my own core fundamental darkness that I need to overcome.