Part of an email sent to encourage my sister

Saturday, September 6th, 2008
"The Daishonin writes: 'The three obstacles and four devils will invariably
appear, and the wise will rejoice while the foolish will retreat' (WND-1,
637). Either we advance or we retreat; there is no middle ground. Either we
cringe in fear and surrender to the devilish functions--the negativity in
our own lives or in the lives of others--or we challenge this negativity and
deepen our conviction in faith. This difference in resolve determines
everything. The Daishonin himself faced the major ordeals of the
Tatsunokuchi Persecution and the Sado Exile with supreme confidence and

I know for myself the past few months have really been so tough with the internal human rev. I mean like never before and like consistent. I am, on an hourly basis, struggling to simply keep my sanity. All I want to do is scream and scream and scream. I am constantly bouncing from stress to worry to terror and I feel no control. If I don't chant an hour a day, which I have not managed in the last 3 days, I am over whelmed with the 3 horrors of stress, worry and terror. I am so afraid and worried all the time and though on the out side things may seem okay to everyone else I am not okay inside.

At my worst I feel as if I am going to lose everything and I can not support all I have to support. It seems to stem from my feelings of lack of self worth which manifest in my absolute obsession with how much money I do not have. The bills keep coming through the door, while the old ones stand unpaid and each month I am terrified I wont be able to make my rent. Things seem to be sliding out of control steadily and my daimoku is not producing the money magic it did in the past. Everyone needs me to win, me too, and I feel like I am losing all of the time. But I know, deep inside I am winning, some how I am winning, I am fucking changing some deep shit and I swear after this victory I will NEVER HAVE TO WALK PAST A SALE OR NOT BE ABLE TO PAY A BILL AGAIN!!!!!.

But more importantly I will change this fucking worthlessness karma once and for all! I guess what I am saying is hold on and ride it out. Do the daimoku, to the best of your ability, to keep your focus and develop that voice in the pit of your life that sustains you and keeps you in reality, even if it is only your little toe in reality, while you battle it out with your fundamental darkness. When you cant see clearly or the negative voices are to loud, go and support some one else, dont talk about you stuff, but use the wisdom you have gained to encourage them, to the best of your ability and study this Buddhism with your life. Study your ass off, take the exam, 1rst or 2nd grade and keep going, NO MATTER WHAT TILL YOU BREAK THROUGH! This is my strategy, which I believe is that of the law, because I finally realized that all others fail in the end. And just keep going till you break through.

I am in the middle of my stuff just now and this is my advice. Chant to have the courage to ask for help when you need it, the wisdom to ask the right person and the faith that it will be what you need when you need it and just keep going. Study is truly the spring board of faith, and if you cant do the exam, support some one else who is doing it and just keep chanting, praying, studying and doing as many activities as you can. If you cant get out of the house, then invite some one over for daimoku. Chant before they come and with them while they are there and 10 min after they leave. for their happiness and victory.

You will break through! You have to, to prove the law and fulfill your mission as a Bodhisattva Buddha, as will I.

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