day 32

Ok,so I've decided to try n keep a diary of my determination to keep me on the right track.

32 days ago I started a campaign till the 31st of December about my family and my career and really getting over all the damage that was done by the evil X, becoming a confident young woman once more.

My determinations were:
for my district-I will change whatever I have to change to be able to give to my district. I will be the best woman in my district.To inspire everyone there and revitalise it with my energy and as a result my career will flourish.
For my career-Thank you gohonzon for my great life.I truly believe in the power of my chanting,I truly believe in the power of NMRK.Today I will live as a disciple of Sensei.I also have to really praise and develop within my life.
For my family-I had to chant to really see my boyfriends greatness.Everything I do is to treasure my family and the hardest one of all for me.DON'T DO ANYTHING DRAMATIC TILL THE 31st DEC!!!


On the day prior to the course where I received guidance my band broke up and I had to leave my job.Two weeks after the course I reached an impasse with my brother who's schizophrenic.I'm afraid I find it very hard to treasure his life.Three weeks after the course my relationship with my boyfriend irretrievably fizzled out.

So the buddhahood in these situations. I'm writing my first album where I'm artistic director of my own work.Something that takes a lot of concentration.The band had a completely different sound from the music I make and was an unnecessary influence.Sometimes I felt like a square peg in a round hole.

My brother and I have had a difficult relationship for many years and I never felt the need to really chant about it.I always felt ours was a pointless exercise. It was the pain in my happy family but I didn't want to see it. Now I feel more determined to chant about it.

My lovely boyfriend? Well I guess we kept each other safe and warm but there comes a time where you don't care for being safe. You have to break out of the cocoon and become the butterfly. I feel a bit shaky still on that but in comparison to the breakups I have had this is the first where no plates were smashed, no blood and guts. no drama, just a grown up breakup. I will be his friend I know when the initial pain dies down and I can trust my reactions. I have truly changed something fundamental in my life.

But yeah, all this strong diamoku is killing off huge parts of my life and I know it's necessary for my growth but I'm starting to get a little scared.It's cool,moon rising over the capital n all that.

Today was a down day. The first of 32 but I was so protected! My little sis said she wanted to stay at my house so she gave me the kick up the bum I needed to get chanting again.

After I chanted I remembered I was at the planning meeting and I have to give an experience at the discussion meeting.True believer V's the Sceptic,funny enough.So anyway I've decided to have a big victory of some kind for fri 26th of September.I get what's going on and I'm going to be unstoppable in the face of adversity.

anyway it's way late and I have to sleep if I'm going to face tomorrow better than today.


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Comment by louise berry on September 19, 2008 at 11:33am
you've not intruded at all micheal. The problem isn't the acceptance of the illness(or maybe it is a bit)My brothers illness manifests as his jealousy and paranoia about me.He makes up stories about me to make me wrong even if I haven't said anything to him.After a while it becomes quite wearing being attacked all the time.He readily tells everyone what a bitch I am because I frankly just don't want to put myself out there to be hurt by him. Our relationship has totally broken down. As you can see its going to take some Diamoku to get this one turned around.
Comment by Michael Schaffer on September 18, 2008 at 12:39pm
I'm very new here, and I hope you'll not think me too presumptuous to offer comment, but you mentioned your brother, and in my occupation I work with the mentally ill -- I am a psychiatric health care professional. It is difficult to treasure the lives of people who are so vastly different from what we accept as the norm, but it is up to us as sentient beings to understand there are such varying ranges to human thought and human being (being in the sense of verb, not noun), and that if we truly are the not ill, so to speak, then we are to be better in our relations with them, understanding where they are coming from. Moreover, people will come and go in our lives; we may love them dearly, they may do wonderful things for us, but perhaps we have our times with them, we love them, so we can let them go, so they can grow beyond us in their own paths (i.e., the boyfriend). The evils that people do to us can send us in two different directions: two sons of a bank robber can become a lawyer and a bank robber and both say when asked how they turned out that way, "With a father like mine, how could I become anything else?" A person can be attacked, and one believe the world is dangerous and frightening, never to be trusted again and suffer disconnect from the world, while another can say, "I will be determined to share my story to help others feel not so alone, I will take a self-defense class, I will become better, stronger, than I ever have." We make these determinations.

Sorry if I've intruded. I always want to help people. I hope you do well.
Comment by louise berry on September 17, 2008 at 6:38am
ah,just what I needed to hear!thanks bob
Comment by Bob Mann on September 17, 2008 at 3:29am
Ah, Lulu, so good to hear from you again. You have such determination! You know we are all pulling for you and chanting too. Best of all you are pulling for yourself. You may have read this poem, but today it is just for you....

Don’t Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh

Chant Nam-myoho-renge-kyo

When care is pressing you down a bit –
Rest if you must, but don’t ever quit.

Chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.

Chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo

Don’t give up though the pace seems slow –
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man

Keep chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo

Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor’s cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Of Nam-myoho-renge-kyo

Success is failure turned inside out –
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar;

Keep chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo

So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit –
It’s when things seem worst that you mustn’t quit!

Always keep chanting till the very end
Or you’ll never know what could have been….

-Author Unknown- (with a bit of embellishment by Bob)

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