How did I get here, you wonder? Well, let me start from the beginning. It's been a heck of a year really. 3 years ago, I met a wonderful man from Memphis Tennessee. We met online. For the first time, almost 3 years ago, we decided to meet in person. Well, it was love at first sight really. Although I would not admit it. So, for the next year, we talked a lot. A year and a half ago, in July of 2010, Jules, my soulmate, moved up here to Montana. Things went a little rocky at first. I am bipolar, and was suffering one of the worst depressions ever. He took care of me though. In December of 2010, Jules had a stroke. They told me that night, that he would not make it. I knew he would though. He was rushed off to Seattle, Washington. A week later, he woke up. Our first call, he asked me to marry him. Of course, I said yes. It was something I did not even have to think about. I just knew.

I went to Seattle to be with Jules. Again, it was something I did not have to think about. I just knew where I wanted to be. By his side. About a month later, he was transferred to a care center in Sandpoint, Idaho. I was away from home, and missed my family terribly. But, I knew where I wanted to be. It was scary though. New people, new experiences, new places. On March 19th, Jules and I married. It was a simple ceremony. But, that's what we wanted. All the while, I had been looking for a spiritual path. One that felt right. I knew when I found it, that I would just know it was the right one. I wouldn't have to think about it. I would just know. Just like marrying my husband. So, the next 4 months, I struggled in Sandpoint. Living in a hotel for awhile. Finally rented an apartment. Things were difficult. But, I knew it was right. I would have followed my husband anywhere. As long as we were together, we would make it through anything.

Then, on July 19th, my whole world changed again. I had been at a doctor's appointment, and had my phone off. When I got home, I found a message, telling me that my husband had been rushed to the emergency room. Jules apparently, had choked on some food, and was found unconscious in his room. He had no pulse, and was not breathing. They rushed him to Cour de'lane Idaho. The next day, the neurologist told me, that my husband was braindead, and there was no hope. So, I made the painful decision to take him off of life-support. He died 9 hours later. It devastated me. My other half was gone.

For a very long time, I was in a deep depression. I no longer cared about my health, my life. None of it mattered. I only wanted to join my husband. I thought of nothing else. At some point, my spiritual path was lost to me. I didn't know what to believe in anymore. Nothing made any sense. I was ready to let go of this world though, believe me.

Then around Thanksgiving, my whole world changed again. I am diabetic, and have been so for over 10 years. I was finally to the place, where I had to be put on insulin. That was a wake-up call. I felt it was a swift kick in the rear from Jules. He was telling me I was not done here. That I had more to accomplish before we could be together again. So, I started making changes my physical health. I realized I wanted to live. Again, I knew what I had to do, and I didn't even have to think about it.

I decided then, to start searching for that spiritual connection. That path that I so needed in my life. I knew that it was the key to understanding everything that had happened. I also knew, that it would help me start getting those painful emotions to the surface, once I found the faith I needed. My father has been a member of the Soka Gakkai for 45 years. I always wanted to learn more about his spiritual path. So, I started reading anything I could find. Then it happened. What I had been looking for, was there. The philosophies, the teachings, it all clicked. It resonated deep within me.

That first night, I took the hint, and chanted for 10 minutes. It didn't feel weird at all. In fact, it seemed very natural. I have been chanting now for almost 3 weeks. A little each morning and each night. I feel a sense of peace, that I have not felt in a very long time.

And it seems this is how it should be. When I was an infant, I went through a Buddhist ceremony. I recieved Goju Kai. Please forgive me, I am still learning. So, it would seem that things have come full circle. I was brought into this world, because my mother wanted and chanted to have a child.

All I can really say is, I feel like I have found my path. It feels right. All of my life, I searched for a spiritual path. I thought I had found it once or twice. But, it never felt like this. I look forward to this journey. Although I miss Jules, I know I am very fortunate. Most people never find what I found. The love of my life. I know we will be together again someday. Our paths will meet again in the next lifetime.