I look forward to writing more about this when I'm all the way through the darkness. My wife and I are getting a divorce and we have now moved apart from each other for the past week and a half. We have tried this before (about 6 months ago), but we both cried too much, so we couldn't do it.

Although I'm struggling so much, I have realized that unlike other breakups in the past (girl friends) this is the first time we have both decided mutually this is the best thing for both of us, and since we made the decision a couple of weeks ago, we have not fought or had one minute of negativity between us. For the first few days that I was helping my wife move her stuff out of the house we both cried a lot, but we kept saying "Ganbatte (Japanese for 'You can do it' 'don't give up' or 'give it your all')" to each other, because we both knew this move on our own was almost too much for us both to bear, but we both encouraged each other that we can do it, by supporting each other.

I know this may sound bazaar to people on the outside, that we both really love each other, but we have both come to the conclusion that we are so opposite in everything that it is counter productive to both of our lives to always be causing the other to change too much to try to make the other person happy. It instead just makes us both miserable.

It was first my wife over and over about every 6 months for the past 3 years who suggested we should get a divorce and even an older SGI member at an Itoh conference 3 years ago, gave me guidance that we should get a divorce, but I always felt like it was giving in to my weakness if I gave up on my marriage and I know being happy comes from within and should not be based on who your partner is.

However, this last time she came to me after new years, this year, and said she wanted a divorce, I just as calmly as possible and as compassionately as possible said, "I want you to be happy, so if you feel you can be happier on your own, I want that for you." Then I had to sing this Sting song in my head, "if you love some, set them free."

This time I fully embraced it, chanted about it and cried so much, but I realized that my wife is so much braver than me for being able to see that this is the best for both of us. So now I'm so glad she had the courage to do this.

In my family, everyone of the men (grandfather, father, uncles, brother) had their wife leave them. But for many of them it was very negative and very hateful at times. So I feel I have overcame some of my family's karma already.

Please chant for my future ex-wife, Junko Harada. She is a great person, but her faith is not that strong. I realized though that I can't make her stronger in faith, maybe this will be what finally makes her very strong in faith.

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Comment by Jinja Cales on January 23, 2010 at 9:41am
Sensei said that one can not be happy on other's( his or her spouse) unhappiness. I went through this too many times with my marriage and my 15 years life with my late husband was just too impossible. It lasted that far due to my faith and his untimely death at 35. It is torturing if the both can not live under a same roof with affection, responsibility and understanding for each other. I don't want to reapeat that pain again---
Comment by Hooi Shiuh Lin on January 21, 2010 at 10:36am
faith in the Mystic Law alone means absolute happiness ahead, both of your are a very good example of being so positive in such dire situation ^^
Comment by Tim Janakos on January 20, 2010 at 9:37pm
The great thing about Nichiren Buddhism, it's always Win-Win. There are no loosers
Comment by Dan on January 20, 2010 at 9:15pm
Sending both you & Junko daimoku, Tim. Guaranteed you'll both have great lives together or apart. -Dan
Comment by Tim Janakos on January 20, 2010 at 12:20am
Thank you Zalde, I'm hoping some good new songs will come out of this process too. I'm tired of singing my old song, From Pain Comes Change.
Comment by Zalde C. Gallardo on January 19, 2010 at 11:16pm
I can feel the pain in your letter but if your decision can give the both of you the peace of mind and the personal growth that you want for each other, then let it be. I believe that there's always a reason for evertyhting that happens in our lives.
I'll also chant daimoku for your happiness and the wisdom to make you and your future "ex-wife's" lives even better after the process. All the best!
Comment by Tim Janakos on January 19, 2010 at 10:50pm
I'm glad I have one of my billion uncles!! I will be coming back to Orange County for 10 days Feb 11th to 21st, so recuperate emotionally. I'm trying to set up a concert. I'll let you know when I do.
Comment by Herb R Barker on January 19, 2010 at 10:34pm
Hi Tim___Will catch up with you later. Never really been truly in love, so can't really relate too much,to heart-aches, as I only had a few and they were very minor but you have encouraged me to perhaps remain single, congratulations (lol) just kiddin. Uncle Herb, P.S. of course you will not loose sight of the BIG PICTURE A billion lifetimes, a billion wifes, a billion brothers, a billion fathers and fathers etc. etc. Can't wait to meet them all in the future

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