This Past Year

My life filled with pain and sorrow
Wondering who’s next. Who will die tomorrow?
In just five months
First it was my stepmother
Then it was MY mother
She was so precious to me
I watched her die tragically and couldn’t help her
Then my sponsor, a day later a close friend
Will it ever end?
Again whose next? Who will it be?
Is it me?
My mind filled with fear
This Past Year

All this loss was just too much, to fast
I was breaking down thinking my loved ones were of the past
Shrinking into a life of misery
As fear turned into a horrendous tumor
My twenty year old business was next
My focus had to turn toward myself
Hospital after hospital
No one cared
Begging them for help
A closed door every time
As I chanted, the question was why?
Why doesn’t anyone care?
Buddhism teaches us that there’s no separation
Between yourself and your environment
It was a horrible thing to realize
They didn’t care
Because either did I
It all became clear
This Past Year

Through my chanting I learned to love myself again
Constant activities, guidance, determination, and then
I finally got it!
Not caring about myself was an illusion
Loving myself as the true Buddha I am was the reality
It was like being in a room
With multiple closed doors
As my earnest and sincere prayer
Busted them all down at once
My serious legal problem was over!
The tumor is finally gone!
A gift of a beautiful car, a beautiful and healthy body
But most of all
I can now stand tall
A beautiful mind
I find
Is here
This Past Year

Next stop is Los Angeles
Where financial and artistic freedom exists
Surrounded by family
That’s my great fortune I created with my causes
And for not giving up!
Guidance, wisdom and friends
Always there when I needed them
The SGI has never let me down
Ken, Sumiko, Chiyoko, Mieko, Tomoko, Pat, Audrey, Bob, Sarah, Susan, Karen Davidson, Michael Felson, Vernell, Jiyoung, Joel, Kat, Reuben and my new friend Gentille
Just to name a few
Thank you!!!
I will repay my debt of gratitude to all of you, somehow
Not a word you’ve all said
Will ever go wasted
Look out Los Angeles
Here I come
With all the love and support
I received in Las Vegas
It will pour into your hearts
Like it has mine
Enlightenment appeared
This Past Year

by Nikki Toscani

Views: 16

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Comment by Chris Tinney on December 15, 2008 at 10:29pm
WOW thanks so much for sharing.
I am goingto keep you in my prayers
Comment by India on December 12, 2008 at 4:43am
Hi Nikki,
That was a lovely experience, frankly tell you that NMRK is such that it really changes your life from what you were and what you are. When i joined the practice two and a half years back i had just got divorced from my husband, i was really down i always would say why this had to happed to me than my friend introduced me to this practice and it really has changed my life. I owe my gratitude to her for getting me into this practice. When i joined the practice i was earning very poor salary and with a very low self confidence, but today i am owning a company which is handling hardware products which i will be starting soon and also have enshrined my gohonzon. There are huge goals ahead to be achieved. NMRK is amazing
Comment by Rita on December 11, 2008 at 4:33am
Hey so glad to read what u have written cause i went thru similar experience losing my loved ones in span of three months.Living each day was tough and holding the family during this tough time was also difficult.But what helped me was Nam-Myo-Ho-Renge-Kyo and the members.Even though i miss them a lot my my only mission is to dedicate my Life to this Practice.As said really am glad to find this site cause i am learning a lot from other people experiences and reading lots of articles put up by people.You have been strong and reading what you have written has helped me get my answers as well.Thank you.
Comment by Tiger Taj Sonchai on December 11, 2008 at 2:59am
I'm glad that you have awakened to the strong woman that you are. Always be mindful that life is ever changing. All things evolve. Sometimes the change isn't the most pleasant event of our lives. We must take on the nature of water and take form to that situation. It will make the pain of it easier to take. Acknowledge and embrace your grief...then let it go. Letting go isn't forgetting, it's just accepting what must be accepted.

You have many, many people around you that love and care for you, sincerely. You have people that love you that you have never met, that are bound with you by a higher energy.

You and your family are in my prayers.

Namaste
~Taj
Comment by Jaki Young on December 10, 2008 at 10:19pm
Hi. Nikki. I hope that your life is forging ahead with hope, peace, and prosperity....not to mention your love for the creative.. I am sorry for your losses but know from this practice that once someone's mission is complete then they must move forward. You will gain strength from their memories. However, at times you will surely miss them and may cry out...become angry...etc. but know that SGI is really here for you and so is the mystic law.

I am so happy to have found this site because it allows people to express themselves freely.

BTW, I used to live in Vegas from 2004 to 2005 for about a year and a half. I loved it!! I sang in the chorus with Wayne Green. It was phenomenal...The organization there rocks! I got to see Danny Nagashima and Linda Johnson several times and the members were so creative. I was going through a separation from my husband which ultimately led to divorce. I was with my 8 year old son at the time, but we had good times. I grew so much from the experience.

California will surely be a great experience, especially with SGI. Good luck and your life will certainly be happy and fulfilled with this practice.
Comment by Dan on December 10, 2008 at 7:21pm
Go, Nikki! I would have loved to have met up with you again in Vegas when next I visit. Best of luck! and great poem!

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