Im not much of a "blogger"....however tonight I felt the need to take a shot at it.
Ive been, probably for the first time ever really, trying to become consistant in something that benefits me...instead of the things that are poisoning my life. Its always been easy for me to be consistant in things such as, hanging out with "friends", drinking, running from my problems and avoiding responsibility. Those are a breeze!!! Being responsible hasnt really proven to be my "thing" the past almost 6 years now. The tough part, I have found, is getting out of those old habits and stepping out of my usual comfort zone....that of which has done nothing positive for me in the past.
My parents have given me a tool that not many people are as fortunate to have, since birth! This practice!!! I have grown up in the practice and have seen the difference it has made in many peoples lives. Why I have turned my cheek to it for so long, Im not exactly sure. I am lazy natured, most definitley...so the consistancy needed to really get anything out of this practice, has proven to ward me off. haha. In times of dire need Ive turned to the Gohonzon and seen the immediate benefits, so I cant sit and say that "its never worked for me."
So, for the past few weeks I have been chanting to chant! How funny that sounds, but Im serious! Ive been chanting to be consistant. I dont wake up "needing" or "wanting" to chant. I wake up...and it the Butsudan stares at me, or my father "forgets" to close it up (oh so smooth he is haha)....and it stares even more vigorously haha! It is centrally placed in our home, so theres no way around it. I cant avoid it without feeling like I let myself down, at this point. So I sit down, I chant and when Im finished, I think "well that wasnt so bad! I feel good!" I go about my day, and at the end of the day....it stares at me again. lol. Im proud of my recent consistancy, but I have done this before. After a few passing weeks, I miss morning gongyo...and it just fizzles away from there. So, with that said, this is a really important time for me.
Im doing other things in my life that are actually helping me stay consistant in my practice. I am in "recovery" for an alcohol problem. I go to my AA meetings, and am trying to keep consistancy there. I feel that if I make a trend of consistancy in POSITIVE things in my life, that sitting down to do gongyo will just become a part of my routine. So far so good.
You know, I was secretly hoping for some bells and whistles and some amazing changes from the effort Ive put fourth already..silly I know, but sometimes I feel like nothings coming of it, and I want to give up. Thats my evil twin right there. She is vicious! As Linda Johnson says....SHE NEVER SHUTS UP! haha. One thing I have noticed, however, is that I have more control over her now. Not complete control YET but more then I had a few weeks ago. I really stop and think about the things I do before I do them and THAT for me is FANTASTIC. It makes me want to continue this daily routine, because without it...she wins.
One day at a time....this is the motto Ive been going by. I tend to focus too much on the future and I lose sight and strength in RIGHT NOW.
Today I did not miss gongyo. My day was a success!
Tomorrow, I will strive for more.